Wii KidzSports Crazy Golf

(by Bold Games, developed by Data Design Interactive)

Today we decided to stay indoors and try out a Wii minigolf game.  My sister (Aaron’s mom) picked up Wii KidzSports Crazy Golf for something like $15.00.  So the three of us settled down to play the first 18 holes available on that game.

It’s a game that has four 18 holes courses:  Waicoco Islands (which is unlocked at the start of the game) Teekee Moon, Jungle Temple, and Volcano Island.

Barb and Aaron had already created their avatars when they tried this game out with Paul earlier in the week.  So, I had to create my avatar.  First, let me say, the game wouldn’t let me have blue hair!!!  What’s up with that?!?!  I ALWAYS have a blue-haired avatar!!  PLUS, it wouldn’t let me name myself Flester Dreadfulwater, which is my regular avatar name.  OK, casual games often won’t let me use such a long name, but THIS game wouldn’t even let me use Flester!!!  I had to be FlestR!!!  Sheesh!!

Hole number one played Guantanamera as its background music.  I love that song.   It means “girl from Guantanamo”.   I just learned that.  I had thought the lyrics were written by Pablo Neruda, but I am an idiot, the song was written by Jose Fernandez Diaz, who is, of course Cuban.  Pablo Neruda is Chileno, and that’s not even his real name, but a pen name he chose to honor a Czech poet, Jan Neruda!!!  What a lot I’ve learned ALREADY!!!

ANYWAY, our avatars all wiggled their butts in a very cute fashion, and then hit the ball in a totally random manner.  You know, this game tries to get you to use the Wii-mote just like you’d use a golf club, but the sensors on the Wii-mote aren’t really accurate enough to do that.  So, we’d either putt our balls about a foot, or we’d over-shoot the hole entirely and end up in the ocean.  By the time we finished with hole number one I was so mad at the stupid game I didn’t want to play anymore!!!

Hole number 2 played Mary Ann as our background music.  I like that song OK.  Not as much as Guantanamera, though.  In this hole you have to putt over a curvy bridge.  Once you accomplish that, you’re spat out onto a green that is pretty much a funnel.  So you’d THINK this would be a relatively easy hole.  But, mostly I ended up in the ocean.  And let me just say right now:  ALL golf courses should have a 6 stroke maximum.  If you can’t get it in the hole in 6 strokes, just pick up your ball.  This hateful game had a NINE stroke maximum, which was just TORTURE!!!

OH!!  Also, this is a game for kids, right??  If you got over par - your avatar HIT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD WITH HIS GOLF CLUB!!!!!  What kind of thing is that to do in a kids game?????   OMIGOD!!!! 

Hole number 3 was accompanied by a mystery soprano sax song.  This was a hole where you just had to putt straight up a hill.  I never made it up the hill.  Aaron, however, parred this hole, so I had him FINISH the hole for me.

And let me also say at this point, don’t drink liquids while playing this game.  The sound effects of the first course are all surfy - but their surf sounds like running water, which just made me need to pee.  Sheesh!!!

Hole 4 was back to Guantanamera.  Hmm.  You know, I like that song, but I don’t really want to hear ANY song over and over and over.  This hole was a straight shot under a bunch of croquet hoops.   Knowing that golf began with a wooden ball and a wooden club, I just checked to see if golf and croquet were related, but apparently not at all!!

On hole number 4 we discovered that if you birdie a hole, your avatar does a little birdie dance that resembles a flamingo imitation.  Needless to say, it was not MY avatar who did the birdie dance!!!

Hole 5 played Mary Ann again.  In fact, those three songs (it turned out) were the only songs this game knows, and it shamelessly cycles through them.  ‘Til you’re ready to shoot the television.  I recommend turning off the sound and turning on your iPod.  Sheesh.

It was on hole number 5 that I realized that there IS no good luck in this game, only bad luck.  It was also on hole number 5 that I realized I could easily con EITHER my sister OR Aaron to play the entire hole for me.  Whew!!!  I HATE this game!!!

Hole 6 - I got a hole-in-one!!  OK, I take it back, what I said about no good luck!!!  The hole-in-one dance is no fancier than the birdie dance.  Man, that’s a mistake.  I looked at the credits of this game:  there were NO women involved in the design of this game.  Well, THAT’s a problem right there!!!

Hole 7 - at this point, both Barb and Aaron told me I needed to mention that there is an inordinately LONG load time in between holes.  This was the hole in which my putter suddenly acted like a driver and lofted my ball up into the air, where it smacked into some sort of bridge, bounced backwards, and completely off the edge of the video game world.  Sheesh.

Hole 8 - this hole was TOO aggravating to play.  This game is mind-numbingly stupid.

Hole 9 - THANK GOD this is almost over!!!  This hole had a loop-de-loop, which was nice.  But, even though we’d intended to play 18 holes, we couldn’t bear to play any more.  I don’t know HOW you unlock the other 3 sets of 18 holes.  We HAD to quit.

Statistics:

Par:  31
Aaron:  37
Barb:  41
Peg:  46

Difficulty (1-6 putts, 6 putts being the most difficult):  7 putts
Rating (1-10 balls, 10 being the most wondrous):  Aaron said to give it 2 balls, but I want to give it a NEGATIVE number.  Seriously!!  This game SUCKED!!!!

Coming soon:  Thoughts on Dimples