The PMGA and Thoughts on Novelty Golf

Did anyone realize that there is a Professional Miniature Golf Association?? (The PMGA??) And that they list 21 courses in the state of Illinois?? I sure didn’t, but when I mentioned it to my brother he said, “oh, yeah, they televise their tournaments. I’ve watched them on TV!!”

Get OUT!!!

In fact, the Masters National ProMiniGolf Championship is being held this year in October - the 14th through the 17th. I think it’s in Myrtle Beach, S.C., which, by the way, has more minigolf courses than any other city in the United States. Who knew?? The total purse is $8,100. People actually win money for playing minigolf!!

OK, wait a minute. I meant to write about pro minigolf, but I just can’t get past one of the photos in our last blog entry. Do you remember the photo where I’m pushing the button on the side of the windmill to make the windmill go?? Did anyone notice that my ass appears to be enormous in that photo?? Is that really my ass?? Really?? Because I haven’t SEEN my own ass in . . . well, I’m not sure I’ve EVER seen it. I guess maybe one of my husbands photographed it once, but that was some time during the last century!!!

Does it look as if I’m wearing someone else’s ass?? Because that’s what it looks like to me!! As if I went into the cloak-room and accidentally put on the ass of a much larger, possibly 6-foot-tall person by mistake. Give me back my own ass!! The one I’m wearing in that photo doesn’t even look as if it belongs to me!!

To say that I am dismayed by the size of my own ass is an understatement the size of Canada. Sheesh. AND, I’m weighing less, ever since I gave up drinking in January, so how can I be wearing this ass?? Seriously, is my fat getting fluffier?? Does anyone know about this?? Does our fat continue to become fluffier and fluffier every year so that no matter how much weight we lose, we continue to expand?

You know, if I could wear some sort of compression suit I’d probably look alright. Or, wait!! You know, I say I’m getting larger, but I measure my size by which pair of jeans I can put on. Perhaps ONLY my ass is getting larger and the rest of me is SHRINKING!!!! Man, if this continues . . . well, I’d better start kind of scooching my ass into corners so that it doesn’t knock someone over or something!! I hate the idea of being an ass-danger to others!!

OK, back to the minigolf. Sorry.

The official world-record best score on 18 holes of minigolf is . . . 18!!! Seriously!!! Of course, this record has only been recorded on Eternit Courses. Eternit Courses have a cement-fiber putting surface and fiberglass obstacles. They are the standard in World Minigolfsport Federation championships. There are only 25 approved Eternit holes, so you just pick the 18 you like and make a golf course out of them. Not very creative, if you ask me.

So, let’s forget about the weird World Minigolfsport Federation. What appeals to me is the minigolf of my childhood, where the dinosaur that’s been thrown away from the Sinclair station can end his career plopped down next to a Frankenstein with Star Wars action figures inside.

I love that the scale of a minigolf course is small enough that its creator can actually realize his or her vision. I love that there are a lot of golf courses still in existence that were designed by a single crazed individual - not a corporation. I think Minigolf may be one of the last places where we honor the whimsical expression of an individual - and don’t hold it up to comparison with a movie image, or some more high-budget endeavor.

Minigolf is a place where we can drop our rush to judgement, and enjoy the magic of someone else’s imagination - without it having to make sense. It doesn’t matter that the home-made plaster frog looks a little more like a taxi cab than a frog. Technical perfection is not what minigolf is about. How wonderful is that?

In our world where athletes are doping themselves to death because the idea of achieving physical perfection has been pushed to such extreme limits, what a relief that there remains a place where adults can go and briefly touch their own childhood imaginations.

All illustrations ©2010 Michael James

In our next episode: Skokie Sports Park Adventure Golf